Is Dating Worth It?

Earlier this year, I had a friend share with me some of his recent dating experiences. There was one in particular that stuck out to me. He had been on a dating app and matched with a girl who unmatched with him within five minutes. The reason? He preferred McDonalds over Burger King.

In our second podcast episode, PeppTalk hosts Alexa Borstad and Coby Dollof meet with the Executive Director of the Boone Center for the Family, Dr. Kelly Haer, to explore the modern nuances of dating well. For most, it would not be a surprise to note that the dating scene has drastically shifted. In the past, a majority of relationships were found in the context of an already established community. Now, almost two-thirds of relationships start on dating apps. We have new and unique ways to find connection, but we also have lost the natural vetting that comes with community. Additionally, the normalcy of matching online has in many ways shaped natural connection off screen. 

When looking for a match online, it can be tempting to look at each profile like you would a cereal brand at a store or a short form social media post. If you have tried out online dating, how easy is it to glance and quickly swipe left or right? I am not arguing you set a low standard or put yourself in dangerous situations, but I do wonder if there would be more opportunity for deep connection if we placed the same intentionality on our online search as we would in the physical world. What would happen if we made the decision to slow down and consider both the values we want and the values we bring to the table before looking at a profile? I remember stories my mom would share about the list she made to hold herself and any potential date accountable. This was specific to in-person situations (treating waiters with respect, opening the door, respecting her boundaries, etc), but there are certainly ways to create your own standards within the online dating world. I would encourage you to spend time before opening your dating app of choice to think through a list of things to pay attention to for both yourself and any potential match so that you can enter into the digital space more purposefully.

A couple ideas:

• Do we share the same foundation/ worldview/ faith?
• Do we have any similar interests?
• Do we share similar lifestyles?

Ambiguity has also become popular in the dating world. For many, a relationship only necessitates conversation once the waters of friendship and dating relationship become muddy. This event, affectionately known as “defining the relationship” or DTR, commonly happens after time spent and formed feelings. This concept flips previous standards on its head. A relationship in the past was more commonly defined before time was spent. Given the loss of natural vetting with dating apps, there is a fairness to this shift. Previously, someone was known by the community, so there was a better understanding of their values, interests, and convictions. People rarely started as complete strangers, so it makes sense to have more time spent getting to know one another. When this process is dragged out, however, it can become easier to delay the commitment that comes with a defined relationship, especially when the ambiguous relationship still gives the desired companionship. That hesitancy of clarity can then lead to an asymmetric commitment. I can think of countless stories where there was pain because one person believed the relationship was heading towards a dating relationship but the other simply enjoyed the company. For purposeful dating, there needs to be healthy attachment over time, and attachment needs to form after clarity not before. When we make the decision to date, there is clarity of where both parties stand and a freedom to step into deep relationship as a result.

With that dynamic in mind, what does it then mean to intentionally be friends? Are all friendships between men and women doomed? Much like dating, intentional friendships take clear communication and a mindfulness of healthy boundaries. It can get muddy if the relational attachment blurs the line between romantic and platonic, but when communicated well, friendships have every opportunity to thrive.*

As mentioned earlier, it has become increasingly difficult to meet people outside of dating apps, but it’s not impossible! My husband and I met by chance in 2020 through rekindled friendships between our parents. I know of multiple thriving relationships and marriages that met through weddings, small groups, church settings, and even online communities outside of dating apps. If you are looking to meet people in person, consider looking into groups that would attract the type of person you’re looking for. Malibu, for example, has a running group that meets often. There are also swing dancing nights as mentioned at the beginning of the podcast. It may require a step out of your comfort zone, but you may be surprised by what you learn about yourself through the process too!

The ways we seek out relationships may have changed over the last couple decades, but the end desire to find connection has not. Maybe instead of asking why things have changed, we can ask how we can best show up. When we are focusing on how to bring our best selves to the equation, we can all become more than dating profiles.

Listen to the full episode below or on Substack.