Navigating Family Relationships During the Holidays with Dr. Henry Cloud and the Boone Center for the Family

When I was a child, the holidays were met with deep expectation. It wasn’t simply the excitement of running down the stairs to see the magic of Christmas morning. It was waking up alongside my brother and sister and sneaking in a glance at the stockings. It was sitting on the stairs while my parents prepared their much needed coffee in anticipation of the morning to come. It was the ritual of singing a Christmas song before receiving the green light to storm the living room. There was something truly magical that I consistently anticipated every year.

As I got older, I lost some of that innocence as Christmas Eve dinners were met with empty chairs that were once filled with friends and family. Extended family dynamics grew more complicated with the growing families represented. Once I got married, that tension only increased as my in-laws held their own expectations and preferences. I had to face the reality that the innocent and magical Christmas I experienced as a child had different terms as an adult.

The holidays can be an expectant season of closeness and joy. They can also be a reminder of pain and loss. In this episode of PeppTalk, host Alexa Borstad and Executive Director of the Boone Center Dr. Kelly Haer met with acclaimed psychologist and author Dr. Henry Cloud to discuss the nuanced dynamics that the holiday season can bring. 

The idea of togetherness especially during the holidays, while sweet and mostly well-intentioned, disrupts the normal rhythms that mark our everyday. We all work with a set of internal rules, but when we all come together, many times those rules can come into conflict. Dr. Cloud speaks of a mental map we have of relationships and patterns we experience. Those patterns adapt as you age. The college version of you, for example, is probably different from the 12 year old that your aunt remembers with different experiences and rules, but your aunt may still think of you as that 12 year old. 

In addition to extended family dynamics you may be experiencing, the holidays also tend to bring multiple generations together into one space. Following Restoration Therapy language, there can be multiple pain cycles that are triggered all in the context of one dinner together. Your parents may be struggling with their parents or siblings. Your uncle may be offended by a post or a comment your cousin made. Your parents may want to try and communicate how you should parent. So, in these complex and sometimes fragile systems, is there a way to find peace, healing, and even joy over the holidays? 

The reality, Dr. Cloud states, is that family conflict is not resolved over one Christmas dinner. We can, however, choose to communicate with our family early so that we have clear expectations and boundaries. At the same time, it is important to remember that each party represented in the conversation has a set of their own expectations and boundaries. Learning to respect one another is a part of navigating complex family dynamics.

Philippians 2:4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Unfortunately, creating a clear plan and expectation does not always mean things will go the way you may be hoping. In those situations, it is important to set yourself up in a way that keeps you regulated and grounded. Sometimes that means creating a script you can effectively communicate. It can be as simple as “I don’t think this is the best place to talk about this. Let’s find a time to revisit this after the holidays.” Other times, it’s finding a trusted cousin or sibling to pull you out of a conversation if need be. In some cases, it may even be necessary to pull someone aside and kindly correct them. The good news is that you have more agency in a situation than you may realize. As our own Dr. Dee Dee Mayer says, you don’t need to play the game of tug-of-war. You can drop the rope. 

My understanding of the holidays shifted as I grew older, but as I have allowed myself the space to adjust to changing times, I have discovered a different joy in the midst. Wherever you find yourself this season, I hope this conversation brings new tools and a new perspective.

A couple things to consider:

• What are ways you can bring joy to someone this season?
• What are intentional ways you can set your expectations so that you can enter into spaces nonanxious and regulated?
• How can you allow room for multiple expectations so that each person involved feels seen and known this holiday season?

Listen to the full conversation here.