From Pain to Purpose

What comes to mind when you think of purpose or calling? Many see it as an action–a job or a passion or even a communal role. They are external and dependent on what you actively do in the course of a day, but what if purpose isn’t something to achieve? What if it is something to grow into?

Pepperdine University recently launched their “For Greater Purpose” campaign, emphasizing the importance of wholeness and a deeper calling that stems far beyond a degree or accomplishment.

This emphasis, however, raises an important question: What keeps us from wholeness?

For many of us, there is a deep desire to move in a direction of growth and development, but we find ourselves in recurring cycles that block us from that growth. We want fullness, but we keep finding ourselves stuck. There can be a multitude of reasons why we become trapped, but these reasons boil down to one big culprit: pain.

We all experience pain. That is one of the most common realities of the human experience. Estrangement from a loved one, a breakup, tension among friends, loss, a rude comment, or physical ailments all create stories of pain. As much as our current cultural climate tries, we can’t truly escape it, but if we don’t address our pain well, we fall into the same patterns and cycles that ultimately prohibit us from pursuing our purpose in its fullness. Those patterns lead to our own reactivity: we shame ourselves, blame others, control the situation, or escape the situation. These reactions blind us from pursuing fullness. The uncomfortable reality is that we cannot flourish while our pain is driving our behavior. With that understanding in mind, how do we choose to live differently?

The first step is to acknowledge the pain that is driving us. The truth, for better or worse, is that we don’t have a thousand different pains to find. We have a couple pains that we fight a thousand different ways. When we figure out the couple pains that drive our reactivity, we can then turn that knowledge to action.

Think of a recent time you experienced pain. It can be as simple as an experience on your way to work or an argument with your spouse or roommate over how the dishwasher was loaded.

Now look at the word bank below and see if any word or words connect to what you were feeling. Try to stick to 3-5 words. If it’s helpful, write them down in a journal or on a piece of paper. This is not a comprehensive list, so if there is a different word that more deeply resonates, write that down instead.

Now look at the below bank and see if you can find a couple actions you can relate to when you’re in your pain. Again, this list is not exhaustive, but hopefully it gives you a framework to begin the work of determining how you react.

When we react as a result of our pain, we begin a cycle that not only separates connection from others, but it further drives our pain. For example, some of my big pain words are that I am unseen and not worth fighting for. When I feel those pains, I tend to become defensive, negative, critical, and eventually I tap out. Based on those reactions, it would make sense that people would want to withhold connection from me which in turn makes me feel unseen and not worth fighting for. Sound familiar? This is the cycle that if continued perpetuates more pain and limits our ability to experience our purpose in its fullness. We all have cycles of pain. They are nuanced and specific to our individual experiences, but every single person has one. The good news is that every single person has a way of getting out of them too.

Below is a list of truth words. Write down or think about a couple that resonate with you. The key is to make sure the truth you choose to defend is a direct counter to the pain you experience.  For example, my truth needs to be associated with the pain of feeling unseen and not worth fighting for.

When we gird ourselves in the truth rather than in the pain, we can act differently. This works only when we learn to defend the truth. It is not meant to be a bandaid. It is meant to be an empowered choice against the pain you have believed.

In my own life, the truth is I am seen. My husband consistently shows me he sees me. He will show up with flowers just as a sign he thought of me. He takes the time to listen to me regardless of the type of day I’ve had. I can think of countless stories from both him and close people in my life that inform the reality that those who matter most in my life do see me. There are still some moments and environments where in reality I am not seen, but the truth is not circumstantial to those experiences. I am seen in relationships that matter, and I don’t need to be seen in every environment. Regardless, I am seen and worth it.

As you work through this, you may discover that your words need to shift to better address the pain. That’s okay! This is an evolving process. I have worked with this framework for well over 2 years, and yet I am still finding nuances to my pain and connecting truth.

Similar to our pain reactions, when we live in truth, we act differently. Look through the list below or add to it to better understand how you show up differently when living in truth.

When I am acting out of truth instead of pain, rather than reacting through defensiveness, negativity, critique, and tapping out, I can take accountability, be an encourager, and step into relationship. Those responses encourage others to engage differently with me which in turn feeds into the truth.

As you seek out the purpose and calling in your life, I want to encourage you to remember these cycles and the actions you can take to step into your purpose with groundedness and nonreactivity. When you address your pain, acknowledge your actions, defend the truth, and act in that truth, you give yourself an opportunity to not let pain drive your decisions. You give yourself an opportunity to step into fullness. When we are grounded in truth, we have the clarity of mind to step fully into the calling over our lives without the blinders of our pain. We can find our greater purpose.

A couple things to note:

My responsibility starts and ends with me. I am not responsible for other’s reactions and they are not responsible for mine. This process does not guarantee someone else will behave differently, but I have removed myself from the ongoing cycle of my own pain. When I come to the table grounded, nonreactive, and willing to co-labor with another person, the environment will improve regardless of whether or not someone else does.

This is a simple framework, but it is by no means an easy one. This takes constant work and practice and will be a lifelong commitment. The difference is the more you practice, the quicker you catch your reactivity and the quicker you step into peace.

If you would like to dive deeper into this framework, check out our RelateStrong | Workshops and Trainings or consider these resources:

• 5 Days to a New Self by Terry and Sharon Hargrave
• The Mindful Marriage by Ron and Nan Deal

Boone Center specific resources:

• The RelateStrong | Workshop Workbook (Scripture-Integrated)
• The RelateStrong | Skills Guide (Principles-Based)
• RelateStrong | Leadership Series (applies this framework to specific topics)